You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*stares at it*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.