(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about


Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.


If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.


COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.


Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]


All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.


CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing


Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*