(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.