Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You Might Also Like
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad