Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You Might Also Like
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Holy crap this is wonderful
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free