Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..