If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
A friend helps you before you need it
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.