Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*