Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.