Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?