[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.