[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
getting seasonal up in here
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED