Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

how high up are we talkin’?

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.