Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Risking my life for fun.