Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

They’re really bad with fonts.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

The 6 types of sex

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.