Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.