Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.