Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor