Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

#polloftheday

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?