Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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There’s never enough good news
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*