Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
dude it’s called proctologist
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
