Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know