inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
#CatsOnTwitter
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The French word for sex is croissant.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”