Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?