inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that