Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

sugar glider wrangler

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.