Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
how to have fun when you’re poor
crying
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff