Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Saturday
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock