Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line