Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
You Might Also Like
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.