Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Please do it!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend