[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg