[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Name this drama.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Whoa 😂
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!