[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
War & Peace
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.