[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Webb. James Webb.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.