inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
You Might Also Like
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Never let them know your next move 😂
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
i’m so sick of this guy
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro