inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
God tier horse name today on the sims
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
inventing words: clothing
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Driving in Europe vs Canada
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
That earthquake could have been an email.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.