inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Autocarrot sucks!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Wednesday
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle