Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.