Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

every single time

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”