[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
tinder is all about the long game
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit