[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Hmmmmmmm….
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
That’s it.I’m out.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Support your local cemetery
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.