inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?