[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
🤣
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*