[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”