INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
