INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Teach your children to beatbox
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
🔦🌙👣
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.