INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
😂💯
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing