[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.