[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Frankenstein?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
he’s doing your taxes
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.