Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
yall want some gasoline milk
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
🐶😂
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?