Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Does beer think about me too?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work