Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Lmao the reply
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.