[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
this came to me in a vision
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Covert ops
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something