[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.