[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
finally
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day