[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
No, I don’t think I will.
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Need this in my life lol
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?