[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You Might Also Like
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Welcome
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.