[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.