[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …