Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Livid.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder