INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
called in thicc to work this morning
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.