Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Brother?

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Look, a pure bread cat!

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*