Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Netflix and scream at our children?!

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.