If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
one last job
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”