Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
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Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.