Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

started wrapping my pills in cheese

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.