inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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When your parents check you’re ok.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re