inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.