inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The Sun
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?