Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

✌️

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest