inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about