inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
