inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Try and stop me.
He a real one for that
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it