Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
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Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.