Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
the rocks need my help
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
