inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
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(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.