Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

🐟✨ #re4

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy