Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

🤣✨#caturday

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!