Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

#Caturday

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Mouse

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas