Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire