Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.