@drewjanda

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

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@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@TheTweetOfGod

Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.

@WheelTod

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

@lindseyywolf

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

@Bob_Janke

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]