Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Fluff me with a fork baby
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it