Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.


[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe


Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.


Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.


Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad


I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]